Okay so I had school for 10 hours straight today where breaks were mostly used to attempt completing unfinished work that is due sometime this crazy week. Crazy is the word. But thankfully I’m not (yet!) at the point of insanity.
I’m not sure how the brain works for most people but strangely — and annoyingly for me, it is when I am most busy that so many random thoughts come like crumpled paper balls flying back and forth. That’s how it feels now. In the cramped train where people are either staring blankly into space with their dead eyes or eavesdropping on a louder-than-required conversation reverberating somewhere in the middle of the cabin. And here I am attempting catharsis in my claustrophobic position.
How do I describe this. These few days the definition of tired has been revealing itself to be multifaceted. Physical tiredness from the lack of sleep, yet somehow my body has decided to be obedient and hasn’t broken down which I really thank God for. Mental tiredness from the expense at which I am using my brain power to plow through the immense workload that lies in a mess on my table and at the back of my head every night when I go to sleep, yet somehow my brain wastes energy on thoughts that sometimes fuel me with faith, and at moments unnecessarily plague me. Emotional tiredness from the feelings that seep in typically unwelcome because emotions are sometimes exhausting, yet I allow myself to feel because I know being numb will result in worse consequences.
Is this only human? I would like to think that all of what I have just articulated are not restricted to me alone. This is simply one of those times where I feel a compulsion to purge this heap of contemplations inside of me that I must relent to. Writing is an incredible channel that relieves any form of internal suppression, somehow.
And at the end of the day I remember, the sense of clarity achieved when I finish writing this and posting it, is incomplete. Because Man is incapable of clearing the dirt from his own mess; because Man is unable to save himself from the abyss of confusion. Because Man is dissatisfied until he finds the peace that surpasses all understanding.
And, I also remember that this reveals the selfish tendencies of Man that drives him to care about his own feelings and thoughts and perspectives. “Others” rings in my head. Honestly, I love thinking about what I can do for others so much more. It holds so much more value than being sprawled in a state of trying to think about life and achieve an intellectual epiphany.