rain falling down
earlier today, read something my friend tweeted about overachievers…
“excelling in school”
the list goes on…
I know how much I wanted to have as many things in that list as I could in the past. and when I read that tweet, I felt a strange tugging asking me if I wanted to get back to all of that again, if I regretted making the decisions I have made the past few months, years even..
it would be a lie to say that I am never tempted to.
but let me write this as a reminder to myself of why I do what I do.
I remember the pressure that I kept suppressed, to keep up with the image of perfection that I was expected to live up to.
I remember the dead motivation (paradoxical, isn’t it) I had every single day to clinch an achievement and a top score… for the sake of achieving it.
I remember the fear I had of failing because of the warped expectation I had of myself, that no one was supposed to be better than me.
I remember going to visit [her] in the hospital because no one cared (or even knew) that she was alone with the nurse and menacing drip despite having a bio exam the next day — I ended up not doing as well but felt happier than I ever did getting top grades.
I remember prepping for follow up and studying less than I usually did for a test…and the satisfaction I felt after the follow up because the girl told me she felt the love of God when I prayed for her.
I remember seeing the 2 friends I brought to church on my left and right in a service, kneeling right beside me pledging to give the best years of their lives to God..
I remember all the conversations I had with some of my favourite people in the world up till 3, 4am at night despite being on the verge of crashing and falling asleep anytime…just crapping but more importantly listening to them share about their lives and hopefully offering something that could have helped them.
let me remember that there is a reason for why I chose what I chose
there is a reason for why I am where I am
there is a reason for why I do what I do.
rain falling down