free

is 9.30am considered mid-morning? I guess so. for the first time in MONTHS, yes, months, I’ve allowed myself to sleep in (quite a number of people are gonna be so proud of me I think) and so I woke up at 930am blatantly ignoring my alarm that rang 3 hours ago. because I can (insert the smirk emoji here). don’t look at me skeptically and say “9.30 is still so early omg” because in the Faith Lim Law Book that is a fallacy. and I kind of regret because it’s freaky how the sky was bright when I opened my eyes and within 2 minutes of checking stuff on my phone it turned gloomy and drab before raining cats & dogs, and so I can’t go for my planned swim 😦

anyway

here I am typing because I woke up wondering if how things will be different if nothing changed in 2009 for me. would I be the kind of girl who wakes up at 10pm and beyond? would I be just drowning in books? or would I be going to crazy places with friends? or maybe I wouldn’t even be here after being eaten up by ED (the irony, haha). no I’m not some over-thinker who thinks about life 24/7 and engages in only intellectual conversations but I only thought of this because I accidentally found the link to my old blog while clearing my email yesterday. and I read what I wrote– even though it was still 2009 and the year that I first came to church, I was still stuck in so many jails that I had locked myself in and it was so evident in the way I wrote. I was actually scared to eat eggs. can you believe it? I can’t. haha.

I was deliberating if I should post this because I’m not really sure who exactly reads this space but I guess it doesn’t really matter, now that I think about it. there are many things I wrote that I find kind of funny now but at the same time amazed at how I have changed.

That nasty little huge monster doesn’t want to let go of its grip of me. It keeps talking to me, and it doesn’t want to leave my side no matter how much I beg it to leave. I really hate it. I want to breakaway from its stupid, deceiving lies that are telling me how worthless I am, how pathetic I am, how ugly I am. It loves toembrace strangle me with all its coaxes on what I should and shouldn’t do, and once I relent, it releases a nasty chuckle and leaves me alone, confused and totally disgusted with myself for giving in. – Faith’s Old Blog Entry in Oct 2009

tell me that sounds like me today and I would be extremely disappointed with myself. haha.

that monster that I was talking about, sometimes I think I have forgotten about him it. while usually I would think it’s good to forget, I think about it now and I guess sometimes it does pay off to remember. my past messes are my messages. my tests could be my testimonies. for so long I thought that the monster in my life could be overcome by my own strength, and proclaiming and knowing in my head that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” and that “God is bigger than my problems” didn’t mean anything much because it was all just knowledge. I remember even declaring it on twitter and my blog regularly in the past and it was just for the sake of saying it to feel better about myself. but Truth had not entered my heart. Truth had not entered my spirit.

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You took our sin / You bore our shame / You rose to life / You defeated the grave 

sometimes I feel that the Cross is too common a symbol to do it justice. it is over-commercialised and under-respected. not for religion’s sake but for significance’s sake.

 

it was through the Cross that I was redeemed of who I was in the past; the reason why I could break free from the grip of the monster that was caressing me menacingly in its arms. I fought so long and tried to wriggle out of its tyranny over my life but I seemed to always fall back in, and even voluntarily. at that point of time I didn’t realise that what was done on the Cross had already paid the price for me to be free, and I still clung on to the bars of my jail and continued paying a debt that I didn’t need to pay.

I never say that I’m grateful to my leaders, my pastors, or God out of hype or out of emotion. I say thank you because I am really thankful that even though I was just another girl among the hundreds and thousands in the pool of self-destruction who are lost and have no clue of their need to be found, they found me. God found me and through my leaders and Pastors God pulled me out of the pool into where I am today.

was listening to Lisa Bevere’s podcast yesterday on Nuture and I am absolutely captivated by her crusade to bring healing and safety to girls who are hurting.

There is a generation of girls that are just looking for us to notice them; to put our hands around their faces and say: “You’re gonna make it. You’re going to make it. And you’re not only gonna make it. But you’re gonna flourish. You’re gonna be for signs and wonders. And I am for you. I am here for you.” We need to be those kind of women. – Lisa Bevere

I could listen to her speak these words over and over again, countless number of times. Because she spoke exactly what is on my heart and what I want to live for. I do think that I am so privileged, so blessed and so fortunate as a person – but I also do know that a few years ago this perspective was clouded by the darkness in my life that I surrounded myself with not knowing where light was. And I know, and I see, so many other girls in the same situation. Many people say they want to help the poor, the underprivileged, the sick..and that is all good, and I want to help too. But at the same time there needs to be someone who looks for people that are stuck in the jail of their emotions, their thoughts, their brokenness, and shows them the way out from the bars they cling so tightly to. It is those people who have destiny just in front of them, but need someone to help them break down the barrier of a wall. It is those people who have purpose waiting to be unlocked inside of them, to unleash their potential into what they were made to do. I have had people who have done that for me, and I want to to the same for others too.

Be lifted higher, than all You’ve overcome. What You have overcome in my life, You will do more through me in the life of others. Thank You.

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