the moment I heard the rapid knocks on the door, I knew it had to be you. hostility and unreasonable anger reverberated. but I knew I had to open the door anyway.
and so I did.
to see the fury on your face and hear the pompous disrespect in your raised voice definitely isn’t the most pleasant thing. it infuriates me, frustrates me, scares me.
the words that tumble out of your mouth like a waterfall of trash cut my skin intangibly, almost reaching my inner being. it hurts. I say sorry, but I’m not really sure if I mean it because there really isn’t a legitimate need for me to be.
maybe I’m just sorry for you, that you get yourself so pissed off at the smallest things that shouldn’t even anger you in the beginning. maybe that’s how I can help my vexation to dissipate – turn it into sympathy, or if possible, compassion.
the thing that really exasperated me was how humbling myself to say sorry wasn’t enough for you. you didn’t even seem to hear it. maybe you did, I’m pretty sure you did, but you just didn’t listen even though you heard. and you continued drivelling on about what is negative about me and issuing unnecessary warnings. I wish I could have just interrupted to tell you that you should just save your speech because your threats no longer intimidate me, nor do they break me, so there isn’t much point in losing all your cells for this.
I looked into your eyes and for a split second I felt fear visit me again. but then I forced myself to simply look harder at you because I want to show you that I’m not afraid. and when I did it, fear started to back down because assurance started to take its place.
“I am with you. I am for you. Do not be afraid.”
I outstared you because I wasn’t looking at you and the blazing temper raging from your convoluted thinking and emotions. I was looking beyond your infuriated face to remember that I have Someone to depend on and Someone who will stand for me, Someone who is on my side. And when I think about it now, I guess you don’t. I guess maybe you’re on your own. And sadly I can’t really fulfil the full duty that I was born into at this moment because you have isolated yourself to be on your own. It is only when strongholds are being pulled down by a power that is not human, that maybe we can be on the same side, or at least closer again.
As you let me close the door and finally left, the prostration that I have been holding in unravelled and I realised that maybe I’m not that strong on my own. But I am grateful because at least, I have God. at least, I have a spiritual family. and you don’t. maybe that’s why I can’t bring myself to resent you any longer, nor do I want to. because I know that while on the surface you draw power from the label of a biological tie, at the end of it all, I have the real authority to win the war.
sometimes I just wish that this war didn’t have to be fought with you being on the opposite side.