the self can be so ugly;

always heard that your true character is revealed in the most stretching seasons. and now I understand what this means: the pull to focus on the self; the temptation to drop the ball; the distraction that interrupts your focus; the gravitation towards emotions; the deviation of mindset; the inclination to blame others; … And the recognition of my own need for salvation.

the question that is crucial to ask is if it is worth it; and the answer that is even more crucial to cling on to is that it is. why is it worth it and what do I do it for? the song goes, “Your love makes it worth it all”. and this is what I go back to at the end of the day.

purpose-driven. is that how humans are created to be? motivation coming from knowing why you are doing what you do? not so sure about everyone but I’m quite sure that’s how I run. I have an inherent need to understand why I do what I do. because once that is lost, there is no point in continuing. maybe it started from the task-oriented characteristic, which I guard against because the last thing I want is to do this out of an obligation. but now it’s not about completing the task for the sake of fulfilling a duty. but about doing what I do knowing clearly why I’m doing it.

no longer just vision, but the roots of why the vision should come to pass. or maybe, the vision should encompass the purpose. I’m most afraid of coming to a point where I fail to see why it is worth it. I am not unwilling to let go nor am I afraid of surrendering. and I refuse to fall into measuring things with an economical perspective because that’s just not how things should work all the time. it’s really not about cost and benefits – I used to be insecure regarding giving up things but not anymore. I just want to be sure that this is not blind faith I am practicing but that it is pure faith.

Faith… the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. what do I hope for and what do I see? and what I see, is it a delusion or is it a vision?

I articulate all this because I am forcing myself to recognize that I need to do something about this and I need a breakthrough in my perspective and my mindsets. many things have been happening that have worn me down but yet I remember many other things that I am so grateful for and those are the things I will choose to remember.

yes I still continue because…because of responsibility; but also because one thing I am certain of is that the love for people is real, the desire to see them grow in every area and enter into their God-prepared destinies is real, and this is the purpose that I am certain of as the foundation of everything I do.

and what I am clinging on to and even more certain about, is that God is faithful. and this faithfulness is beyond my comprehension. so even if I am faithless, I choose to hold on to the faithfulness of God. the flesh withers, the flesh is vulnerable, the flesh is weak. but the spirit is strong and the spirit is willing.

let faith arise…open my eyes.

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